Total Ban On Genetically Modified Cucumbers In Canada After They Caused Genital Baldness (Satire)
There's no replacement for a bikini wax, that is unless you have a genetically modified cucumber courtesy of Monsanto. A six-month study by AgriSearch, an on-campus research arm of Dalhousie University in Halifax, Nova Scotia has shown that genetically modified (GM) cucumbers grown under license to Monsanto, result in serious side effects including total groin hair loss and chafing in "sensitive areas" leading to the immediate and total ban of sales of the GM varieties and their subsequent dill pickles.
Besides dangerous additives, ensuring your pickles come from organic sources may be a serious considering in light of a recent study on GM cucumbers. The tracking study of 643 men and women in Nova Scotia came about after reports began to surface about bald field mice and the bald feral cats that ate them being discovered by farmers on acreages growing the new crop.
"The bald wild animals raised a huge flag and we immediately obtained subpoenas for the medical records of all 600 plus adults who took part in focus groups and taste tests of the cucumbers by Monsanto in Canada," said Dr. Nancy Walker, Director of Public Health Research at Dalhousie. "Fully 3/4 of the people who ate these cukes had their crotch area hair fall out. This is not a joking matter at all...these people now have hairless heinies."
First Province or State in North America To Ban a GM Food
Nova Scotia became the first province or state in North America to ban a Monsanto GM food product, although GM corn and other food crops are currently outlawed in Ireland, Japan, New Zealand, Germany, Austria, Switzerland, Greece and Hungary. Governments in Australia, Spain, UK, France, Turkey, India and Mexico have public petitions or legislative bills under consideration.
The United States, Canada, China, UK, Australia, Mexico, and most of South America, Asia and Africa have no formal GMO-free platforms and their use is typically unrestricted and widespread.
The United States is the leader in GM cultivation and now grows mostly GM varieties of corn, canola and soy. Hawaii now grows GM papayas. Additional GMOs grown around the country include GM alfalfa, zucchinis, beet sugar and tomato varieties. In 2010, the US planted 66.8 million hectares of soybean, maize, cotton, canola, squash, papaya, alfalfa and sugarbeet. The largest share of the GMO crops planted globally are owned by Monsanto whose technology has scientifically been linked to organ damage. There are some real concerns surrounding the potential health risks of GMOs, as studies have revealed that they may contribute to problems ranging from kidney and liver damage to reproductive system issues.
Canada has widespread GM crop usage. All Canadian canola is GM, as is a large portion of the country's soy and corn. Prince Edward Island tried to pass a ban on GMO cultivation but failed, and GM crops in the region are currently increasing.
Despite the fact that 233 consumer and farmer groups in 26 countries have joined the "Definitive Global Rejection of GM Wheat", Canadian MPs voted to reject stronger export rules for crops of genetically modified organisms (GMOs).
Californians recently voted down a bill that would have required all GM foods to be clearly labeled. Monsanto cucumbers have been ordered removed from all food stores in Nova Scotia, while Quebec stores have begun a voluntary removal, partially because the UPC code stickers contain some English.
Paid By Monsanto To Compare Natural Cucumbers To GMO
"I pulled down my boxer shorts to get ready for bed one night and there it was...a pile of hair that looked like a chihuahua puppy," said Eric LaMaze, who was paid $50 by Monsanto to compare the tastes of natural cucumbers to Monsanto GM cucumbers in March of this year in Halifax. "Then I saw my bits and whoa they were like all shiny skin. Bald."
Mr. LaMaze and other taste test participants said the GM cucumbers tasted the same as the naturally grown cucumbers but made a slight "fizzing noise" when swallowed. The participants also complained of raw skin in their genital area and some bed wetting.
Monsanto's response? "Next generation fruits and vegetables, including VO5 cucumbers, are safe for human consumption with some potential minor side effects. Some fine-tuning is underway."
McDonald's Corp. issued a statement following the Nova Scotia ban announcing that they will replace dill and sweet cucumber pickles on their burgers with non-GM pickled zucchini as a precaution until it is proven that no Monsanto pickles were sold into the North American market.
Federal Minister of Health Leona Aglukkaq said "the Government of Canada takes this very, very seriously...being hairless down there should be a matter of personal choice for Canadian men and women and not one taken away by a cucumber."
"They used to have the real cucumber slices in those salad things at the City Hall Dining Club," sighed Former Toronto Mayor Rob Ford on the courthouse steps after being impeached by a Provincial Judge. "Those were good times..."
On this news, leading investors in beauty salon technology and laser hair removal devices said they would abandon those initiatives and begin investing in Monsanto cucumbers.
Natasha Longo has a master's degree in nutrition and is a certified fitness and nutritional counselor. She has consulted on public health policy and procurement in Canada, Australia, Spain, Ireland, England and Germany.