Talking To Dad About His Health

You may look up to your father in many ways but sometimes he needs to look to you for help with his health. Here are some pointers when talking about health with your dad.

This image haunts me - my father sits slumped and semiconscious at the kitchen table.

Beside him, my daughters chatter away, too young to see that Grandpa may be dying. Sluggishly, he lifts a forkful of swordfish to his mouth and chews. Beads of sweat burst from his forehead, and his eyelids droop. We beg him to tell us what's wrong. From some distant place, he pushes out a few slurred words of stubborn reassurance: "I'm fine ... fine. Let me be. Just ... very ... hot in here."

I hadn't witnessed one of Dad's diabetic attacks in years, and never one so severe. The cause-and-effect was simple — a much-delayed dinner had sent his blood sugar plummeting. Usually a candy bar would perk him up. This time we waited almost half an hour for a glucagon shot and a cup of orange juice to revive him.

Dad recovered, but the episode terrified me. I wake up mornings now wondering if today's the day he will keel over in his broccoli and boiled potatoes. It's an ugly, unwanted preoccupation, but I can't help it.

I want to help him take better care of himself. Right after this last episode, I couldn't help but lecture him about sticking to his meal schedule. He nodded and mumbled, then walked away. The next evening, I asked whether he'd talked to his doctor about these attacks. Silence. I pointed out some ways to eat better and exercise more. None of my business.

This wasn't working. If I hoped to help my old man, I would need to find a new way of talking to him. I did some research and found 10 strategies I'll be trying out on my father. They might just keep your dad in your life, too.

Understand his condition. Use the library, the Web, and friendly physicians to research your father's illness. Go to health organization links on the Web, such as the American Heart Association and the American Diabetes Association. The more you know about the illness, the more you'll appreciate exactly what he's facing; more important, you'll sound a bit more understanding and intelligent when you approach him.

Know your purpose. You may not convince your dad to let go of his old lifestyle entirely, but if he commits to one healthy change, it could lead to better habits elsewhere. In a study of 103 elderly men and women, those who engaged in regular physical activity for a year also gradually improved their eating habits. So, is your primary goal to help Dad get fit, find a better medication, change his diet, or choose a health-care facility? Choose one thing you'd like to accomplish and you'll save time spent on unproductive tangents, says Douglas Stone, co-author of Difficult Conversations and a lecturer at Harvard University's law school.

Find the right time. Research shows that stress levels fall faster in the afternoon than they do in the morning, which means your dad will be calmer and more ready to listen to you if you talk to him after work. A long walk in the neighborhood will get you away from interruptions and give him room to move. He may feel cornered by your questions. Remember: Be casual, natural, intimate, nonthreatening. Don't broach the topic over dinner: Eating while you're stressed causes a spike in cholesterol levels, which increases the risk of heart disease for both of you.

Ask for his help. One of the biggest hurdles you face is role dynamics: Your father is used to being the caregiver and authority figure, with you as the little runt who has to take him seriously. Suddenly, he feels those roles have been reversed — and your attempts to lecture him, admonish him, or make demands will only make him feel guilty, ignorant, and angry.

Play the role of the son who needs his dad's help, says Stone. For example: "Pop, I'm scared to see this happening. It would help me if we could talk about it." What Dad will hear is his son asking for advice, a familiar plea that should tug on his fatherly instincts.

Remind him how he used to feel. Make him remember what it was like to be in shape — and hold out the promise of feeling that way again. "You need to find out what he dreamed about and what was important to him," says Bob Salt, a professor of human development at the University of Wisconsin at Stout. Reminding him how much he loved playing basketball in high school could renew his interest in exercise.

Present the evidence. Older people aren't likely to change their lifestyles unless they believe that their habits are unhealthy. Use your research about his illness to convince him that changes in his diet and exercise routine could improve his condition. For instance, aerobic exercise is known to lower older men's blood pressure and improve how their bodies tolerate sugar, and resistance training can increase their energy levels.

Listen and repeat. Nobody takes advice until he feels understood. And Dad won't feel understood if he can't get a word in edgewise. So shut up and listen to how he feels and what he fears. Don't interrupt. Don't contradict. Don't advise. Then repeat it back to him.

Devise a plan. This is the moment of truth, when you and Dad put together a health plan. Head to the gym with him and practice a few basic strength-training moves, then set aside time three or four times a week to work out together. You know you work out more regularly if you do it with a buddy. So will he.

Reward his success. Give your dad incentives to stick with the program. Promise that the grandkids will visit every Sunday to take a walk with him. Or better yet, get him a senior membership at Bally or Gold's Gym; you can gently remind him that it's a waste of money if he doesn't go.

Now, shut up already. Nagging won't change your dad's behavior. Let him progress at his own rate. Brandeis University researchers found that older folks are less likely to listen to advice if it's persistent, especially if it's about their health or finances. Instead, let your dad know when you notice improvements in his health or habits. This will encourage him to stick with the program better than constant suggestions would.

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